Quite a while ago I came to the realization, right or wrong, that it’s not time that moves. It doesn’t go anywhere – it’s static, circular, and three dimensional. Picture it like a giant torus, and we inexorably scoot through it like hamster through a habitrail. The real difference is that we dig our own tunnels through it, like worms, and that each turn and kink in out path through time has nothing to do with its twisted passage, but that each is a nexus at which we moved ourselves.
Maybe that’s a little too heavy.
Two days ago I went on an “administrative leave” from work. Friday is the day I’m supposed to have off, it’s the wife’s birthday, and is the day I’m expected back. Why am I on leave? “Wait what, you’re employed again?” Yes, I’m re-employed. Perhaps not for much longer.
I’m a terrible machinist. Well no, to be specific, I’m a terrible button-pushing operator. The first time I had one of those jobs I nearly killed myself and several others and this time I’m costing money in reworks because I’m a terrible operator who shouldn’t listen to the people he’s told to listen to.
I’m supposed to tell the boss what my decision is – whether I think I can continue my employment with them or if I think it would be better to end it – on Monday. He’ll ask me tomorrow, on Friday. I’m on contract with a staffing company so it’s not technically a job loss, but it is highly doubtful that I will make what I’m making now somewhere else. I’m thinking of telling him I’ll be taking my toolbox home. I’m just not comfortable with failure.
It’s not that I can’t set up the machine and program them, it’s that I can’t run them worth a damn.
So, what does this have to do with a blog about the realities of rewilding in this day and age? Plenty. A person’s ability to rewild is directly proportional to the ability to throw off the shackles of their parent culture and accept the mores of the new. In this respect, I’ve been a complete failure. You see, to accept a new mode of reality, I’ve gotta ditch everything else. And that’s a damned hard thing to do. I hafta not care. I have someone with me for whom rewilding would be a highly undesirable mode of living, and for her, I stick around even when I know I should get the last of my money out in cash and see where it can take me.